How To Guide Little Hearts Through Loss
When the End Comes Too Soon
We all know the timeline we want for ourselves and our children; the one where we grow old watching our children age, marry, have children, and experience their own fulfilling lives. We expect to bounce grandchildren (or maybe great?) on our knees, see them graduate, and then, we hope to pass away peacefully in our twilight years. It’s idyllic, but life doesn't always follow this cherished narrative. For some families, the script is dramatically altered when death arrives far too soon, leaving children to navigate the overwhelming maze of grief after losing a parent, a close caregiver, or even a beloved friend. How we face these painful departures from life's expected timeline not only reflects our past experiences with loss but shapes how we'll handle future grief—making it crucial to understand how to process these profound losses in healthy ways, especially for the youngest among us.
Chronic Grief
Grief isn’t a stage to overcome—it’s a journey to navigate together, with compassion and understanding.
Researchers identify the reaction to loss in two succinct ways. First, there is grief–the feelings of loss and sadness that come when someone dies. Then, there is mourning–the practice of grief, or the rituals tied to it, usually connected to a belief or culture. When someone does not adequately mourn their loved one, their grief can become chronic. Without healthy processing, grief can become less of a stage and more of a lifestyle. Children who have not been given the opportunity to fully and completely mourn the loss of a parent or close caregiver can especially suffer, as their future losses will simply pile up, giving them less room to cope, adapt, or feel the proper emotions of losing someone.
Helping the Hurt
The good news is, there are ways to help children grieve well. With some intentionality, we can walk with the young ones in our lives as they experience suffering, teach them to accept grief, and move through it in healthy, life-giving ways. We may also learn a thing or two about the grieving process ourselves.
How to Grieve Well
Keep these pointers in mind when holding the hand of a grieving child (or adult):
Honest communication and heartfelt presence are the greatest gifts you can give a grieving child.
Give information and then listen. Present the child with facts about the situation, appropriate to their age and/or maturity level. Practicing honesty will be invaluable now. One day, the child will process how they were communicated with during tragedy. Do your best to communicate with clarity, be immediately available to answer questions, and then immediately available to simply listen to raw feedback.
Allow a grieving child to process with the family in any ways possible. Don’t keep children from funerals or try to distract them, and don’t assume their grieving will be less devastating than any adults’. Hold space for them in the processes of mourning.
Keep a rhythm. Some people need time to step away from their usual routines after loss. Children may need some time as well, but many may need to keep their normal rhythms as much as possible. Usual activities and peer groups will naturally help them as they adapt to a new normal and predictable patterns will be soothing after emotional upheaval.
Start a new attachment. No one will ever take the place of a beloved, but a new attachment for a child can be a healthy way to take steps in a fresh direction. Finding a family member or close family friend who can help walk with the child during their loss will help comfort them, give them someone different to experience joy with, and provide attachment when they feel fear or sadness.
Keep expressing emotions. As an adult in the child’s life, don’t be afraid of expressing your own grief. All humans mourn loss and it’s imperative that the children in your life know that sad emotions are normal, natural, and to be expected. Allow the child to see you cry at times and talk openly about what you miss about the person you lost. Ask them what they miss or how they feel, what’s hardest for them right now, or maybe even what they’re thankful for. Share your feelings and thoughts and teach honesty by your example.
Though we cannot shield our children from the pain of loss, we can walk beside them through their grief, helping them transform their deepest sorrows into building blocks for emotional resilience and deeper human connection.
Put It Into Practice
Remember together.____
Grieving kids can become afraid that they’re forgetting their loved one as time moves on. Consider buying a special keepsake book (like this one) that helps children preserve their favorite memories, photos, and mementos of their loved one. Walk through the process of “scrapbooking” with them. You’ll discover sweet moments to share your pain, joy, and resilience together.
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Verified reliable sources for this article:
Grief in Children within the Framework of Attachment Theory via Current Approaches in Psychiatry