3 Ways to Deal With Conflict: Which One Are You?

In the first blog post of our conflict series, The Good Fight, we discussed Clarifying Questions at the Heart of Conflict Resolution. Today, we’re taking a step back to do a little-self reflection and ask ourselves the question:

“How do I approach conflict when it comes knocking?” 

When Conflict Comes Knocking 

Let’s say it’s a Sunday afternoon and you’re enjoying some tea and a novel in your favorite armchair. You hear a knock at the door. Not expecting guests, you wait to see if it’s the Amazon guy dropping off a package. Another knock, louder this time, forces you to make a decision. 

Option 1: Avoid 

You could ignore the knocks and pretend you aren’t home; eventually they’ll go away… right? You could answer the door, geared up to give this audacious interruptor a talking-to for imposing upon your peaceful afternoon. Or, peering out the peephole to make sure it’s safe, you could open the door to find out who’s there, and what they might need.

Isn’t conflict something like this? 

Often, we opt to go on as if nothing happened. Maybe your spouse makes another snappy comment, but, instead of addressing it and sharing how you feel, you bury your frustration inside and force yourself to pretend like nothing happened (and like it doesn’t hurt). But what might that lead to over time? Though it can spell relational disaster later on, it’s often easier in the moment to avoid, isn’t it? 

Option 2: Attack  

Sometimes, though, the easier thing to do isn’t to avoid, but to attack—to give full vent to our emotions and take back control of the situation.
Maybe your spouse makes that snappy comment, and rather than being prone to avoid honesty, you’re plenty truthful in your response—but your forthrightness isn’t tempered with love. So you snap back, making sure that your jab hurts them more than theirs hurt you. You may have “won” this verbal joust, but isn’t that sort of personal “win” a loss for your marriage? And though you may feel like you took back control, didn’t you let your anger take control of you? 

Option 3: Engage  

If avoiding healthy conflict is unloving because it lies about our true feelings and creates bitterness and distance in a relationship, and if attacking is unloving because it wounds the ones we care about and erodes trust and respect in a relationship, what are we to do when conflict comes knocking? You guessed it: engage.  
Engaging conflict is harder than avoiding it because it requires us to acknowledge and speak the truth. And engaging conflict is better than avoiding it because it protects us from harboring resentment in our hearts towards those we love—and we all know how much resentment can spoil a relationship.
Engaging conflict is harder than attacking because it requires that we exercise self-control and speak the truth kindly, respecting those we love. And engaging conflict is better than attacking because it protects others from being wounded by our words and protects us from the guilt and shame that always seem to follow outbursts of anger—and we all know how much wounded hearts, guilt, and shame can spoil a relationship. 

Open the Door 

So, next time conflict comes knocking, take stock of what’s going on inside of you. Are you panicking, ready to pull the covers over your head and pretend everything’s fine? Are you locked and loaded, ready for war? Challenge yourself to remember the importance of truth and love. 

Take a deep breath, open the door, and engage.

Luke Lewallen, Mental Health Counselor