We’re All Singing A Song…

...that someone taught us the lyrics to. Whether it was your mother, your grandparents, a teacher, or a childhood friend, chances are, you're seeing yourself exactly how someone taught you to see yourself. If you grew up securely attached to your parents or caregiver, you're more likely to picture yourself as imperfect but capable and secure even in the midst of difficulty. However, when a child has experienced dysfunctional parenting, their ability to see out from challenges and embrace who they are even as flawed individuals becomes tougher. Instead, they sometimes cannot see their way out of the shame they've felt since early childhood.

The Birthplace of Shame

Dysfunctional parenting is parenting that fails to meet a child's basic needs for security, love, and guidance. The effects of this type of parenting can manifest in many different ways. It's apparent that those who neglect their children cause long-standing trauma as their kids were never given the opportunity to fully attach. Additionally, overprotective parents also create an environment that stifles the proper development of their children. When a person has never been able to see themselves as they are, define themselves as they know themselves to be, and approach life with a sense of confident individuality, they struggle to know what they can do. Always trying to meet someone else's standards will make them feel like a failure most of the time. And feeling like a failure brings heaps of shame.

What is Shame?

“When we find freedom from the shadows of dysfunctional parenting, we discover a self-worth that has always been there.”

When we think about shame, we probably think first of humiliation. It's that moment we feel unworthy, suddenly or slowly over time. It's becoming secretive because we know there's someone we don't live up to or some standard we can't match. It can be exacerbated by harsh critiques we’ve heard from others that in turn, we whisper to ourselves. Shame can be a lifelong challenge if it's not addressed directly. It can color every decision we make and every word we say. And it can even cause us to self-medicate or form addictive behaviors to manifest how we feel about ourselves.

The Stats

It is truly astonishing how closely researchers have connected parental dysfunction and shame-proneness in individuals. For every negligent or overprotective parent, we see a significant rise in all sorts of shame-prone behaviors such as smoking, drug use, video game addictions, shopping compulsions, sexual addictions, overworking, overeating, and others. The cycle seems never-ending. We feel bad about who we are so we do something to perpetuate that shame. Almost everyone has experienced this even in a small dose. We get in a slump about something, but instead of digging our way out, we find ourselves leaning back into an unhealthy behavior to somehow help ourselves cope. Shame-proneness touches everyone, but for those recovering from parental dysfunction, it can become a daily mechanism for living.

How to Heal

Perhaps one of the biggest ways to fight the self-proclamations of shame is to stay connected. When we feel shame, our first tendency is to hide, self-isolate, and withdraw. Keeping yourself in community, even if that community becomes smaller for a while, may be the best way to redefine yourself and confront those feelings of shame. Telling a friend your struggles and having them speak truth over you may be the first step towards your healing. You have to hear the truth before you can speak it for yourself.

Don't let your shame take over one more day. If you find yourself stuck in shame, reach out to us for help. You can learn to see yourself the in healthier, more realistic ways – and we can help you get there.

Put It Into Practice

Giving your thoughts actual words can greatly reduce their danger.

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Write down your feelings of shame. Make bullet points if that makes it easier. What do the “voices in your head” say about you? What makes you feel embarrassed? What makes you feel like a failure? Jot them down as quickly and inarticulately as you can and then share them with your counselor or one trusted friend. With that person’s help, write a positive, truthful answer for each point. Practice self-compassion, kindness, and gentleness for yourself. Post the list somewhere you can see them every day and remind yourself that your thoughts do not always hold the truth.

Other Interesting Reads about Healing From Trauma

Verified Reliable Sources for the Content in This Article:
The mediation role of shame proneness in the association between perceived parenting and the severity of addictive behaviors: risk or protective factor? via Current Psychology Journal