Lifting Intimacy in your Marriage by Lovingly Setting Limits

Boundaries & Marriage

In the last fifteen years or so, boundaries have become a common topic among relationship experts and anyone seeking healthier partnerships in their own lives. Learning what boundaries are and why we need them have helped us navigate business relationships, dating relationships, and parent/child relationships with more clarity and intention while finding out more about what we need as individuals to thrive, feel valued, and cultivate intimacy with each other. But boundaries in marriage are just as important as those in less involved relationships. Even in the lifelong commitment where you and your spouse have become “one”, it’s important to define individual boundaries you can both live with and respect.

How Boundaries Help

Thinking of boundaries within your marriage simply as “limits” may help you understand them better. Chances are, you’ve observed other marriages that set natural limits for years. Maybe your grandmother let your grandfather tinker in the shed most afternoons because she knew it kept him busy and happy. Maybe your dad knew your mother needed quiet time to read before bed so he tried to not disturb her. When husbands and wives observe and care for each other well, chances are, natural boundaries will be defined. Every individual has needs and the sooner we learn our partner’s and they know ours, the sooner we learn how to love each other well.

We all operate within a set of personal boundaries that we may or may not know exist. Sometimes we can’t even define them until they are crossed.

On the flip side, relationships can get treacherous when boundaries aren’t well defined. Think of a scenario in your own relationship when your needs were pushed aside for apparently no reason. Perhaps you felt misunderstood or undervalued, hurt or angry. In any case, you probably felt violated whether you could define that feeling or not. The truth is, we all operate within a set of personal boundaries that we may or may not know exist. Sometimes we can’t even define them until they are crossed. The pain of the violation is what makes us notice that yes, we do need more space or no, we don’t feel comfortable with that use of time and so forth.

Defining Boundaries in Your Relationship

The first way to set up healthy boundaries within your marriage is to discover what they need to be. Every relationship is as different as the people in it. You may find that certain financial practices cause you stress, that too many social events during the week cause you anxiety, or that a certain criticism by your partner spins you out into an emotional breakdown. Being able to voice these limits to your spouse is key. Once you’re able to speak the needed boundary, it’s important to locate the boundary limit together. Are two or three social events per week doable? Can your spouse use a credit card if it’s paid off at the end of every month? Instead of saying “You’re acting like your mother,” could your spouse say, “I hear you saying things that don’t sound like you. Could we take a moment to breathe and come back to this topic in ten minutes?”

Both partners need to be able to define the limits that are helpful for them, and be able to acknowledge that those needs may shift and evolve over the years. The conversation will be ongoing.

Honesty & Compromise

The beautiful thing about boundaries is that, when observed willingly by your partner, they give life to your relationship. You both feel valued, seen, loved, and respected, which allows for deeper intimacy and relational strength. But they also necessitate humility and vulnerability. Don’t just tell your partner what your boundary is but why. Is there something in your past that caused you to feel aversion or find protection from that thing? Does that boundary help you feel safe because of a trauma you endured?

Learn to communicate honestly with your spouse (both speaking and listening) when they share their own limits. Lean into each other’s weaknesses in order to build strength and embrace the boundaries that will preserve your marriage.

Verified Reliable Sources for the Content in This Article: “Setting and Respecting Healthy Boundaries in Marriage” by Gal Szekely, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist (LMFT)

Put It Into Practice

Feeling irritated by your partner from the same repeated issue?

____

Before you go to them again with your complaint, take a moment to think about what boundary is being crossed. What is the true situation at hand? How does it make you feel? Why does it make you feel that way? Present these findings to them and find a limit together that will respect your boundary and grow your relationship. Go the extra step by asking them if they can pinpoint any boundaries on their end you can learn to maintain. Nurturing vulnerability and generosity will always be the right move for your marriage.

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